she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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