Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Randomize
