yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
