I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
