Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
