why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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