Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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