Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
