Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
