I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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