did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
