Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
