I just saw a hot homeless man
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
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