i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
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