hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Randomize
