You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
