I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
