Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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