ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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