you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
