I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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