My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
is it fun? or sober?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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