i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I wish you could order shots online.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
