I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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