I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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