I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
