There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
