I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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