The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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