I am in a vortex of obligation.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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