Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
