Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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