Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
