i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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