Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
