The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
