I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
