As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
