i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
