walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
