We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Randomize