I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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