After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
