After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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