Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Randomize
