i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
