This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
