I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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