dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
