Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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