so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
