he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
