Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
