Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
