but the lizard people decide everything anyway
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Randomize
