You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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