i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
