Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
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