Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Randomize