Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
We are two peas in an std pod
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Randomize
