If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
