The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
