You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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