i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Randomize
