I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
