At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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