Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
