I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
